Lola J.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

I wish I saw stars

spinning and twirling my yellow dress flows,

you called me the sun,

i called you mine.

you're eyes were only meteors when i first met them,

but honey,

they quickly turned into stars.

remember the time we went to space?

you told me that the sun was the only thing keeping this solar system alive,

i blushed.

you told me that when the other planets lose their way,

they revert back to fire.

we had fire, but it gone blown out in the night.

you had fire and it was in your heart

but it's in your eyes,

and the last time we talked i saw flames.

i don't know if the milky way looks a little more like tequila now,

or if the moon took over your solar system

but gosh dammit.

the moon must've taken over your solar system

cause baby,

I only see black in your eyes.

my dress is still yellow and hers is gray

hers is gray

and your eyes are black.

i've always thought gray and black were too neutral.

my dress doesn't impress you anymore, but you told me i'd always be your favorite color.

maybe it's only because the universe used to spin around yellow.

i'm scared for the solar system,

but I'm tired of competing with the moon.

every 11:11 wish i'm praying for a new star.

remember when you had stars in your eyes?

the sun still shines but the moon has more hours during the day.

the moon took over your universe,

and i knew that as i looked into your eyes,

i must've wished upon too many stars.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

REAL TALK

I can't think during school

but 2 am knows how to get my brain rolling.

i write all my posts late at night and regret it in the morning.

real talk.

yes, i want him to go back out.

no, i actually don't.

i don't know how many kisses i've had,

i know how many guys i've kissed.

real talk.

no pill can make you "happy"

but you got to remember that sometimes,

happiness isn't a choice.

medications aren't for the insane,

and if we actually knew how common depression was,

maybe we'd find it not so different.

real talk.

i'm more than tired every single day because i stay up too late,

but i feel bad falling asleep in class.

does seminary count as a class?

maybe i got mono from boy #7.

real talk.

most of the time i don't give a shit what people think about me,

a lot of the time i do.

i cried the first time i swore

so yeah, i hate swearing (but i still do it)

real talk.

i'm so freaking sick of getting glares in the hall from my boyfriend's ex,

i want to leave those crowded halls more than anything.

wait, did i say leave?

i meant stay.

i want to stay in those halls forever so i don't have to grow up.

but on second thought,

i want some people to grow up.

i guess i'll see you in one and a half, maybe two?

real talk.

i kind of really hate byu now

but the institute dance at uvu sucked

so i think i'll root for utah (sorry dad).

nobody will judge me there either.

real talk.

i waited two years to get my drivers license because i was too scared to take my road test.

worst decision of my life because i passed the first time i took it.

im a perfectionist and i hate that about myself,

but my crayons taught me that it's okay to color outside the lines here and there.

real talk.

i hate when people call each other babe or bae because i think they're calling me by nickname.

the pda at lone peak is a problem.

and my logic is that if you honestly can't save it for later,

might as well skip class.

my eyes are half way shut already and i won't be able to open them again if i close them

to save myself from your nasty affection.

real talk.

i hate when people call mr. smith "smith"

and you'd only know why i hate that if you took his class.

jimmie smith is probably the only teacher who doesn't hate me for my tardy problem

and last week, i got my english class out of writing a paper.

i'm almost positive mrs. gardner hates me now.

real talk.

i feel bad pulling a senior prank because rhonda bromley is such a genuine lady.

but in all honesty,

sometimes i want to vandalize lone peak for a slam poetry video.

if you asked me what my favorite class was, i'd say nelson's

and it's not just because we watch videos about "selectively dancing frogs" (...yeah i'll leave that one there)

and still get english credit.

real talk.

nelson's class is my favorite because it showed me how to express myself;

how to create, how to think, but most importantly,

how to feel and keep feeling.

nelson's class is in my 2 am thoughts and

real talk,

i don't even mind.

thanks for everything.

xoxo,

Lola J.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

i think i hit snooze once or twice

the capitol building must be made of brick full of sentimentality or something must be in the water provided.

Maybe flashbacks hit me like a line drive to the face, or maybe i hate how i refused to kiss anybody at a high school dance.

its 2:00 in the morning and i can’t sleep because prom hangover had me sleeping in till 3pm.

now i’m awake wondering if i slept for 3 years.

because yesterday night i went home at 1, and high school had just went to bed.

sophomore year i blinked and woke up in 11th grade chemistry.

junior year i blinked and woke up at senior prom.

senior prom i blinked and woke up in black.

its 2:10 and i’m debating if the beds at UVU are going to be more comfortable than the one at my house.

am i really going to move in 2 months? am i really going to leave for 18 months?

27 months almost complete, and the only thing holding me down is attendance.

can we talk about attendance?

its 2:15 and i thought i was so happy to get out of this place,

until the music stopped at 11 last night.

my memory is up and running and i can’t help but reminisce. i don’t know if i went to enough lone peak basketball games.

why didn’t i ever support the lacrosse team? did i tell enough people i was grateful for them? what about the janitors? my teachers..? did i wake up too late?

i have a bad habit of hitting snooze when i’m half asleep. and now i’m worried i must’ve been half asleep this whole time. My alarm clock finally went off last night, and i realized i was late.

reality hit me like 5-o-clock rush hour. and i’m stuck between wanting to leave and wanting to stay.it’s too late to enjoy the ride because everybody around me is preparing to leave as soon as they can.

is anyone else scared to leave high school behind?

maybe i’m the only one who notices the bricks made of sentimentality. maybe i’m just over thinking things.

its 2:27 and i don’t want to go to bed because i’m worried.

if i hit snooze one more time,

i might fall back asleep.

stubborn

if the heart knew that the brain wanted

it probably wouldn't have listened.

like the wind talking through the trees,

the soft whispers in the breeze

and the thump, thump, thump

that pulsates through rundown walls

and leaves arteries to paint 11:11 wishes in blood

the heart won't listen

the silence

that fills 11:12

the moment you wish your heart wouldn't have spoken through closed doors

because you know you can't change what you feel

and the heart can't listen

like the dreams yet to be reality

and reality so real it hurts

deeper than chest pain

nothing like an attack

everything like sweaty hands

the heart doesn't listen

like the pumping that won't cease

thats there when you dream

like the pumping that won't cease

when you fall in love

and we all know that nothing's like falling in love.

bruising becomes too easy

the record you used to play every saturday night

stops spinning

music loses its sound

to the music shaking your bones

the heart didn't listen

and now your head is spinning

muscle tissue is beating

and no matter what anyone says

1000 times a minute can't tell you how you feel.

impulse can't tell you what you think,

so you accept your heart's follow request

and you're lost now

because logic is so much better than

chasing your thoughts.

but if the brain knew what the heart wanted,

it probably wouldn't have listened either

because 11:11 might mean shooting for the star

and the brain missed the moon

by 1/4th a heart beat

Sunday, April 19, 2015

rewind

i remember the day my little brother was born. I was 8.
i remember lemon lime gatorade.
i remember playing sonic on the xbox.
i remember the first A1 of sophomore year.
i remember thinking the seniors were huge.
i remember coldstone on family night.
i remember orange.
i remember stake youth conference 2013. i remember how i met tyler ashworth racing tricycles.
i remember the "end of the world" map test.
i remember 9th grade lunch. how mrs. ashton would get mad at us for not sitting in the cafeteria.
i remember how everyone used their lockers in 7th grade.
i remember the day i lost my two front teeth.
i remember little ceaser's picnics on my trampoline.
i remember the monkey bars and tire swing.
i remember how much i hated peanut butter.
i remember the cheesecake factory.
i remember how nervous i was at my first dance recital.
i remember not practicing for piano lessons.
i remember hours spent on personal progress.
i remember never wanting to disappoint.
i remember catching rollie pollies at grandmas.
i remember lemonade stands.
i remember tamagotchis.
i remember lexi sheffield as tennis team captain. i remember thinking i had never met a more
genuine person.
i remember the commons last may.
i remember mrs. owens.
i remember the junction as "the hangout".
i remember that text.
i remember hands up stands up.
i remember shrinky dinks.
i remember being the tallest out of my cousins.
i remember thinking lone peak looked like a mall.
i remember thinking i could bring my dried up starfish back to life by sticking it in a plastic pool full of water and salt. (it didn't work)
i remember when my dad switched jobs.
i remember the oreo ice cream cake my mom made for me on my 13th birthday.
i remember thinking 18 was so old.
i remember feeling young.