i think i hit snooze once or twice

the capitol building must be made of brick full of sentimentality or something must be in the water provided. 

Maybe flashbacks hit me like a line drive to the face, or maybe i hate how i refused to kiss anybody at a high school dance. 

its 2:00 in the morning and i can’t sleep because prom hangover had me sleeping in till 3pm.

now i’m awake wondering if i slept for 3 years. 

because yesterday night i went home at 1, and high school had just went to bed.

sophomore year i blinked and woke up in 11th grade chemistry.

 junior year i blinked and woke up at senior prom. 

senior prom i blinked and woke up in black.

its 2:10 and i’m debating if the beds at UVU are going to be more comfortable than the one at my house. 

am i really going to move in 2 months? am i really going to leave for 18 months?

27 months almost complete, and the only thing holding me down is attendance.

can we talk about attendance?

its 2:15 and i thought i was so happy to get out of this place,

until the music stopped at 11 last night.

my memory is up and running and i can’t help but reminisce. i don’t know if i went to enough lone peak basketball games.

why didn’t i ever support the lacrosse team? did i tell enough people i was grateful for them? what about the janitors? my teachers..? did i wake up too late?

i have a bad habit of hitting snooze when i’m half asleep. and now i’m worried i must’ve been half asleep this whole time. My alarm clock finally went off last night, and i realized i was late.

reality hit me like 5-o-clock rush hour. and i’m stuck between wanting to leave and wanting to stay.it’s too late to enjoy the ride because everybody around me is preparing to leave as soon as they can.

is anyone else scared to leave high school behind?

maybe i’m the only one who notices the bricks made of sentimentality. maybe i’m just over thinking things.

its 2:27 and i don’t want to go to bed because i’m worried. 

if i hit snooze one more time,

i might fall back asleep.

stubborn

if the heart knew that the brain wanted

it probably wouldn't  have listened.

like the wind talking through the trees,

the soft whispers in the breeze

and the thump, thump, thump

that pulsates through rundown walls

and leaves arteries to paint 11:11 wishes in blood

the heart won't listen

the silence

that fills 11:12

the moment you wish your heart wouldn't have spoken through closed doors

because you know you can't change what you feel

and the heart can't listen

like the dreams yet to be reality

and reality so real it hurts

deeper than chest pain

nothing like an attack

everything like sweaty hands

the heart doesn't listen

like the pumping that won't cease

thats there when you dream

like the pumping that won't cease

when you fall in love

and we all know that nothing's like falling in love.

bruising becomes too easy

the record you used to play every saturday night

stops spinning

music loses its sound

to the music shaking your bones

the heart didn't listen

and now your head is spinning

muscle tissue is beating

and no matter what anyone says

1000 times a minute can't tell you how you feel.

impulse can't tell you what you think,

so you accept your heart's follow request

and you're lost now

because logic is so much better than

chasing your thoughts.

but if the brain knew what the heart wanted,

it probably wouldn't have listened either

because 11:11 might mean shooting for the star

and the brain missed the moon

by 1/4th a heart beat

rewind

i remember the day my little brother was born. I was 8.
i remember lemon lime gatorade.
i remember playing sonic on the xbox.
i remember the first A1 of sophomore year.
i remember thinking the seniors were huge.
i remember coldstone on family night.
i remember orange.
i remember stake youth conference 2013. i remember how i met tyler ashworth racing tricycles.
i remember the "end of the world" map test.
i remember 9th grade lunch. how mrs. ashton would get mad at us for not sitting in the cafeteria.
i remember how everyone used their lockers in 7th grade.
i remember the day i lost my two front teeth.
i remember little ceaser's picnics on my trampoline.
i remember the monkey bars and tire swing.
i remember how much i hated peanut butter.
i remember the cheesecake factory.
i remember how nervous i was at my first dance recital.
i remember not practicing for piano lessons.
i remember hours spent on personal progress.
i remember never wanting to disappoint.
i remember catching rollie pollies at grandmas.
i remember lemonade stands.
i remember tamagotchis.
i remember lexi sheffield as tennis team captain. i remember thinking i had never met a more
genuine person.
i remember the commons last may.
i remember mrs. owens.
i remember the junction as "the hangout".
i remember that text.
i remember hands up stands up.
i remember shrinky dinks.
i remember being the tallest out of my cousins.
i remember thinking lone peak looked like a mall.
i remember thinking i could bring my dried up starfish back to life by sticking it in a plastic pool full of water and salt. (it didn't work)
i remember when my dad switched jobs.
i remember the oreo ice cream cake my mom made for me on my 13th birthday.
i remember thinking 18 was so old.
i remember feeling young.

you're like

the last day of school and the first day of summer

a drive up the canyon with no destination

a combination of fire and ice

cream cheese frosting

senior prom

girl scout cookie tag-a-longs

a day at the beach

cherry chapstick and spearmint gum

a math test gone easy

the color yellow

my favorite song

gold at the end of a rainbow

hot cocoa on a snow day

fireworks on the fourth of july

a sunday session of general conference

lemonade at the state fair

my lucky penny

winning a national championship

100% battery life

monday evening and friday afternoon

no homework on the weekend

a full tank of gas

no more braces

a free gift with my purchase

a utah sunset

the first snocone of the season

your dad

a good dream

never wanting to let go

shoes & views

we’re all walking the same path,

different shoes

or maybe the same shoes,

just at different times.

tennis shoes 

for running

high heels 

for church

rain boots

and

snow boots

for cold days

flipflops and 

sandals 

for warm ones

because life is full of opposites

big shoes

small ones

but we’re all walking the same path,

at different times

and though some shoes might be dirtier

a little more worn

lighter 

or even heavier,

we’re all traveling the same path

one that has no distinct direction,

a trail of tears

a road of bumps 

ups and downs, twists and turns,

dead ends and reverses

lefts that you thought would be right,

rights that turned out left

and even though sometimes

 we have no idea where our shoes will take us next,

we’ve heard the view from the top of the trail

is beautiful,

so we keep walking,

we keep going

we push on in our shoes that we chose for ourselves

all reaching different destinations

but seeing the same view

in the end

tsunami: i've been meaning to write this

let me start off by saying 

i'm sorry for the "missionary card".

i'm sorry for words you fully meant 

through gritted teeth

and the broken heart hiding inside the mouth already opened

i'm sorry i was a coward

who didn't ask you for permission face to face,

eye to eye,

heart to heart

your best friend told me it was okay,

but i knew okay wasn't the yes it needed to be

still, i looked past logic

which later buried me in an engulfing quicksand of guilt

so i'm sorry for unrequited decisions

absentminded thinking

and quick impulse

 but mostly i'm sorry our friendship that was building 

got torn down by water and wind

after the sun went down

10 months ago.

waves i no longer see in the school halls

but wish i could replicate

the friendship torn down by water, wind, and fell into utter confusion 

hurt, doubt, and something i couldn't understand

i watched it hit the ground

hit the ground and crack its skull right open

hit the ground and bleed right through wavy brown hair and fragile skin

you were never anything but nice to me

and i looked up to you

more than you know

if only i would've asked you heart to heart

because even though i thought you didn't care,

i should've known better

my bad for only seeing the ocean

and not looking for the tsunami

i should've known better

than to think you were over him

because i know i wouldn't of been

i knew better

but i only looked at the ocean

the inviting waves that soaked up the rocky shore.

so i'm sorry

the tsunami came

and washed up all the feelings 

hidden beneath the surface

i'm sorry for starting a storm,

and not telling you the forecast

Everything

Came so quick,

i just want you to know that i apologize

sincerely.

i know that things will never be the same,

and that you hate the storm.

i can't change what already took place,

and nothing makes me feel worse.

so here i am writing another apology letter,

but it needed to be said.

I'm sorry for the tsunami.

the 

                            tsunami

that

                         

             was

me