if you really knew Lola J,

i know that this post is due at 12:00 tonight but i've never liked sundays.

or attention

and i think that's the real reason i'm grateful i could sleep in paris for so long.

because every morning when i wake up for school,

i feel like a face without a name.

i get marked absent by teachers who don't see me,

teachers who couldn't tell you my name to save their life,

but maybe its my fault.

maybe it's because those teachers know I'm only taking their class for the credit,

maybe they know that the only reason i actually try is for the regent's scholarship,

maybe they know i couldn't care less.

but i could tell you their name.

and i'll tell you right now,

mr. nelson is 1/8th of the 1/4th that actually care.

when i stepped into his classroom,

he saw me.

i might've started out as a face without a name,

but i quickly turned into a name without a face

to my classmates.

he gave me my crayons back,

so i decided to take them to paris.

first day in paris

i walked those stoney streets

and it felt so good not to be alone.

when i saw the eiffel tower overlooking the darkly tinted city of love,

i finally felt a sense of unity 

a sense of belonging

a sense of "what-ifs?" and a conclusion of "who cares?"

because Lola J. wasn't the only one without a face to the name

and she felt like she could finally be herself 

in a class full of diversity.

everyone was writing with their crayons that wouldn't erase

no one was ashamed

and no one should be

 because really,

why be afraid of paris?

so here it is,

crayons that will never erase:

if you really knew Lola J,

you'd know that she stays up too late and wakes up too early. 

you'd know that she prefers her cereal with bananas,

you'd know that she visits her grandparents every sunday.

you might know her as the girl who chews cinnamon gum,

or the one who never has a pencil.

the one who was too shy to talk to anyone in the 9th grade,

and still gets scared to say hi to people in the hall. 

if you really knew her,

you'd know that she likes a good comedy,

and enjoys a good dance party.

you'd know that her favorite color is pink

you'd know that she loves calling people by their nicknames.

you might know her as the tennis player,

or the girl who lives on the corner.

the one who really hates school,

and usually just shows up for creative writing and ap calculus.

if you really knew her,

you'd know that her grandma's cousin was named Lola Jeppson,

you'd know that Lola was her sunday school teacher,

you'd know that she misses everything about her.

if you took the chance of really getting to know Lola J,

you'd know that she was

Bailey Andrus

let me shed some light (on this blog)

A list of things that I think are just utterly aggressive:

most junior boys
the sophmore parking lot
the movie twilight
the sequel to that movie
doorstep tap
tap
tap dancing
hammocking (but hey)
1 am
my grandpa's driving (or should i say road rage)
trek
my alarm clock
gary dunn when he's talking about the librarian (love the guy)
pitbull's music
lp cops
lp knightings
middle school relationships
high school relationships
relationships
3rd term
school
wooden pencils
simon cowell
expensive music (it's a no from me)
this blog post

tomorrow's yesterday

you smelled like the musk of midnight and held my hand like tomorrow's yesterday wouldn't happen.

i think its because you knew from the start that my heart wasn't made for 2 and another tomorrow might be too much to ask.

but you were wrong

because another tomorrow meant another day of us,

and i loved everything about that.

tomorrow's yesterday means today,

and you were so caught up living in the moment,

you didn't think about the next week

or the ten before. (that i'm stuck thinking about)

i regret that i built you up so high

only to have you tear me down one brick at a time.

 so now I'm sitting here with my hands open, wishing i knew why you let it go

because you held it like tomorrow's yesterday wouldn't happen

but it did

you promised me you'd never break my heart, 

and then threw it off the balcony of the hotel i cried in new years eve.

because while you were out hanging with other girls, 

doing other things,

i was only thinking of you.

you promised me that tomorrow's yesterday wouldn't happen

and after everything, i still can't get you off of my mind, no matter how hard i try.

no matter how many new songs i download,

no matter how many pictures i delete,

no matter how many times we ignore each other in the halls,

i can't forget you,

or october 27th 

or december 24th,

or february 1st.

you still wear that shirt i gave you for christmas, every damn A day

the only day we have a class together

and i can't help but think its because you miss me

like i miss you

but maybe i only miss the memories

because tomorrow's yesterday happened just like the psychic said

and as much as i don't want to ever see you again, i do 

i do

i do

i don't want to ever go back to how things used to be

i don't want the late night texts, the long drives, or the sushi dates

i don't want any more worry, i don't want any more late night thoughts

because it's sunday and i know there's gonna be another sunday

and i'm so sick of saying goodbye.

deep down in my naive heart,

i knew that "a break" meant i'd be broken, and now i'm trying to find my glue 

because everything fell apart and i want to mend half of it back together.

i want friendship and your humor

i don't want love, i want closure.

and i'll never find my glue

because sunday just came over 

wearing that shirt i gave him for christmas,

and he left my door wide open,

again.

let's sit in the cellar

rational

irrational

fine lines and faded ones

fears

too many of them

temporary

long lasting

like a wound that just won't seem to heal,

a scar you'll never forget.

fears

if you don't fear

you're not human.

if you've never felt your heart beating too fast, if your palms have never turned into a sweaty alaska 

or your breaths have never filled your lungs with trial,

you're not human

because everyone is here to fear.

everyone.

the storm is swelling and embossed with worry, so why don't we sit in the cellar.  

while the tornado passes overhead,

let's sit in the cellar.

i wanna talk about the unspoken demons

the ones who sit in the bottom of our heart, in our own personal cellar. the ones we have locked away

with a key so small, nobody else could ever find it

except for you

cause you're the guard of your cellar and i'm the guard of mine

we decide for ourselves who we let in

and who we keep out

so come inside. 

unlock your cellar 

i'll unlock mine, 

we can talk about what we're afraid of.

let's let our minds drift away from the fact 

that there is horror spinning out of control,

on the other side of this plastered wall.

let's rest on the fact that the tornado is miles away

from here,

and i'm here

with you

let's sit in my cellar and i'll tell you my fears.

cause just like everybody else,

i'm afraid.

i'm afraid of graduation and not getting a perfect A for every class this last quarter. i'm afraid of the lone peak halls and the class room walls. i'm afraid of using pencil in my creative writing journal because i don't want to look like a coward. i'm afraid of losing my crayons. i'm afraid of being someone i'm not. i'm afraid of turning into [insert name here]. i'm afraid of being in over my head. i'm afraid of ski racks. i'm afraid of bike racks. I'm afraid of skiing. i'm afraid of cold weather. i'm afraid of sharing my favorite chapstick with anyone (but someone). i'm afraid of love, because i think i lost it once. i'm afraid of searching for something that will never be there. i'm afraid of heartbreak. i'm afraid of causing it. i'm afraid of friendship. i'm afraid i'm not a good friend. i'm afraid of losing another friend. i'm afraid of drugs. i'm afraid of alcohol. i'm afraid of prescriptions that don't work and that do. i'm afraid of the light that flickers in the alpine cemetery. i'm afraid i'll rest there someday. i'm afraid of death. i'm afraid of alaska and washington. i'm afraid of the bitter darkness of any month existing between november and january. i'm afraid of how cold-hearted people can be. i'm afraid of guys that have longer hair than me. i'm afraid of young boys who have facial hair. i'm afraid of people who look older than their age. i'm afraid of people older than me. i'm afraid of my waiter getting my order wrong. i'm afraid of not being right. i'm afraid of dipping myself in any expectation i can't reach. i'm afraid i won't end up like my parents. i'm afraid of getting married. i'm afraid of making mistakes.i'm afraid of having my husband cheat on me. i'm afraid for my aunt's kids. i'm afraid for my kids. i'm afraid of not being a kid.i'm afraid of growing up. i'm afraid of the thought of being infinite. 

i'm afraid of never expiring

i don't want to be another unopened wine bottle,

i don't want to be another unopened wine bottle.

i don't want to be another unopened wine bottle, who sits in the cellar forever

infinite means forever,

and forever is a long time to be afraid.

i'm afraid i'm afraid of too many things

and i just want to sit in your cellar,

so i don't feel so alone.

only yesterday did i realize

that the definition of courage is not to have no fear

but to fear everything,

and not be afraid

to not be afraid of fearing.

because forever is a long time.

forever is a long time to be afraid.

back to the start

i never wear my contacts

and i think it's because i've gotten so used to the blur 

i can't see why moving on is so hard, let alone my hands in front of my eyes, because tears drain out my view of what that should look like

what it should be.

A toss up between guilt and sanity lay in the smeared fingertips i have yet to picture, so can you tell me when they've found the right prescription?

for all of us?

i hold in my hands a ticket to the train i stepped on four years back. in loving memory of my naive nature, i keep holding on

but i can feel the train coming to a stop. it scares me

but i keep holding on.

3 months

and it won't have been a waste of time, 

if i can make it to the end 

but right now,

each day is the same. i keep asking the groundhog when he won't see his shadow again and he hasn't responded yet. it's a shadow filled with broken hearts, lonely faces, drastic decisions, and i'm not sure it'll ever go away

cause its a the darkness that won't disappear when the night comes, a darkness that's the most distinct  during noon day, the exact time the kid in the stripes is forced to eat lunch alone in the bathroom stall

again

why did this happen 

again

to be honest i don't think this is ever going to end because nobody seems to be do anything about it

we forget we want to change.

i showed up to school february 26th 

and what i saw in the classroom was a complete contrast of what i saw at lunch

black and white and color and dresses and skirts and blouses and suits all tied together to serve as a reminder of him 

ties and bows and tights and high heels and in the classy nature of it all, you would've thought those kids would remember

but sitting against the wall at lunch, i experienced the commons becoming the commons once again

small circles and old friends, old friends and small circles

the infinity sign is made of two circles

and we're lying to ourselves if we thought "this is going to end today"

i remember my geometry teacher telling me i'd use his class again in my life

he wasn't lying, but i wish he would've been.

when you say you're going to change, i say i'm going to change and when he said he was going to change she said she was going to change, but i've never been to be the change and i think most kids just go for the free chick-fil-a and a one way ticket out of class

cause the trains not stopping and i want to get off.

3 others are waiting by the exit

but the group isn't big enough to make the conductor pull the brake

oh how i wish he would

how i wish we could get him to.

holding my pass in one hand, and a picture of my loved ones in the other, 

i sit there in silence

i'm wondering why big numbers always have a greater impact in every situation

and i'm finally trying to accept the fact i couldn't make him stop

alone

or with one. or two. or five people.

i'm filled with utter regret

because this can't happen again, 

i won't let this happen again,

what can i do to end this cycle?

i want to get off

we need an army and i'm one one soldier

i can't make this route stop

on my own

the thought of helplessness is something that won't dissipate

i hear a kid in the back yell "we're all in this together" ?

but i don't think i believe him

because as i look back,

i realize the train's on a path to nowhere.

we're going in circles

and this wouldn't be the first time

life is

life is not what you want,

life is what you want the most.

life is having the best night of your life,

life is getting in trouble because you came home past curfew.

life is your family being loud when you're trying to nap,

life is realizing you'll miss it in 3 months when you're no longer there.

life is not easy

life is too much homework and enough sleep

life is not getting into the college you wanted,

life is accepting the fact.

life is being a second priority to someone you care about,

life is moving on.

life is not easy

life is leaving too early for a sunset hike,

life is coming back too late.

life is the last high school basketball game you never went to, 

life is regrets.

life is the worst kiss you ever had,

life is learning.

life is not easy

life is death,

life is birth.

life is a new beginning,

life is a final breath.

life is not easy

life is trying too hard, 

life is not trying hard enough.

life is worry and stress and anxiety,

life is a tender mercy.

life is learning from your mistakes,

life is making new ones.

life is bad,

life is good.

life is not easy,

 life is worth it.