back to the start

i never wear my contacts

and i think it's because i've gotten so used to the blur 

i can't see why moving on is so hard, let alone my hands in front of my eyes, because tears drain out my view of what that should look like

what it should be.

A toss up between guilt and sanity lay in the smeared fingertips i have yet to picture, so can you tell me when they've found the right prescription?

for all of us?

i hold in my hands a ticket to the train i stepped on four years back. in loving memory of my naive nature, i keep holding on

but i can feel the train coming to a stop. it scares me

but i keep holding on.

3 months

and it won't have been a waste of time, 

if i can make it to the end 

but right now,

each day is the same. i keep asking the groundhog when he won't see his shadow again and he hasn't responded yet. it's a shadow filled with broken hearts, lonely faces, drastic decisions, and i'm not sure it'll ever go away

cause its a the darkness that won't disappear when the night comes, a darkness that's the most distinct  during noon day, the exact time the kid in the stripes is forced to eat lunch alone in the bathroom stall

again

why did this happen 

again

to be honest i don't think this is ever going to end because nobody seems to be do anything about it

we forget we want to change.

i showed up to school february 26th 

and what i saw in the classroom was a complete contrast of what i saw at lunch

black and white and color and dresses and skirts and blouses and suits all tied together to serve as a reminder of him 

ties and bows and tights and high heels and in the classy nature of it all, you would've thought those kids would remember

but sitting against the wall at lunch, i experienced the commons becoming the commons once again

small circles and old friends, old friends and small circles

the infinity sign is made of two circles

and we're lying to ourselves if we thought "this is going to end today"

i remember my geometry teacher telling me i'd use his class again in my life

he wasn't lying, but i wish he would've been.

when you say you're going to change, i say i'm going to change and when he said he was going to change she said she was going to change, but i've never been to be the change and i think most kids just go for the free chick-fil-a and a one way ticket out of class

cause the trains not stopping and i want to get off.

3 others are waiting by the exit

but the group isn't big enough to make the conductor pull the brake

oh how i wish he would

how i wish we could get him to.

holding my pass in one hand, and a picture of my loved ones in the other, 

i sit there in silence

i'm wondering why big numbers always have a greater impact in every situation

and i'm finally trying to accept the fact i couldn't make him stop

alone

or with one. or two. or five people.

i'm filled with utter regret

because this can't happen again, 

i won't let this happen again,

what can i do to end this cycle?

i want to get off

we need an army and i'm one one soldier

i can't make this route stop

on my own

the thought of helplessness is something that won't dissipate

i hear a kid in the back yell "we're all in this together" ?

but i don't think i believe him

because as i look back,

i realize the train's on a path to nowhere.

we're going in circles

and this wouldn't be the first time