Lola J.: ctrl z, please

right now i'm looking at my laptop and there are probably 10 tabs open because I'm too lazy to shut them.

my two little sisters are playing upstairs alongside each other

enjoying simple company

making memories

and i guess I'm wondering why we couldn't do that. cause games were made for children and i think we're still playing them

someone once told me that freedom comes with a cost but peace came to mind.

and that thought will always be tattooed to the back of my brain because status quo says i'm too old for a temporary

right now i'm sitting in my room enjoying my own company

and if i'm completely honest i don't think these walls can hold me.

they've never done wrong but right now they're not right...my silents screams are not so silent anymore yet i feel like these walls are the only ones who understand

here they are, blocking what i should be seeing but can't seem to

i still don't know if i like that or not

so i type and i type and i type and i'll continue to type about what i'm feeling cause i'm scared these tears are gonna run dry today and this desert i live in provides no closure

right now i realize that there are actually 3 tabs open and I'm not just talking about my laptop

my brain is here but gone, because 6 days is there and i think i'd rather die than walk through those crowded halls. Halls filled with insecurities, colored hair, and smiles painted on so well you'd think they were real.

you know,

the halls filled with hellos and goodbyes and laughter and silence and reading and eating and fighting and crying

the halls that are actually empty?

maybe those walls could hold me

but i'll sit here with my walls wishing they were those halls. cause if my walls were those halls, i'd have a better chance of seeing you

i'll sit in this dark room i call my own. i'll stare at this dimly lit computer screen and play our song on repeat cause i can't undo what already been done